


My Best Was Never Good Enough

by theladyscribe



Series: Glory Days [4]
Category: CW Network RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Alternate Universe - Baseball, Alternate Universe - Sports, Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-30
Updated: 2014-05-30
Packaged: 2018-01-27 03:15:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1712918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theladyscribe/pseuds/theladyscribe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You sign that contract, you're signing your life away, Jen," Teddy warns him. "You can't go out with anyone, because somebody - a teammate, an opponent, a fan - will see you. You can't go to clubs or bars or pick up random screws for the same reason. You'll have to go out with women just to cover any questions. It's pretty fucking miserable, but if your heart's set on ball, you don't have much choice."</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Best Was Never Good Enough

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: this story deals with homophobia in sports and has some off-screen homophobic violence.

**My Best Was Never Good Enough**  
_A tragedy in four seasons_

Baseball is an allegorical play about America, a poetic, complex, and subtle play of courage, fear, good luck, mistakes, patience about fate, and sober self-esteem. --Saul Steinberg

1\. The Lloyd V. Berkner Rams, 1992

The great thing about baseball is that there's a crisis every day. --Gabe Paul

The sun is just beginning to set as they enter the seventh inning. They're down 2-1, and the situation is looking dire. Coach Roache hums encouragement as the Rams take the field. He's put Jensen in the outfield, which is hellish and unfair and will probably cost them the game. Tyler's a decent catcher, but if Carrigan gets on, there's no way the kid could pick him off if he tries to steal.

It's not the end of the world, of course, but that's mostly because Teddy's in center, and Teddy keeps things entertaining. Fuck that--Teddy's just awesome. The scouts have been coming to watch him all season, especially the Yankees, and while Jensen really kind of hates the Yankees, he hopes Teddy gets to play for them. It's a dream come true for anybody.

*

Jensen's pleasantly buzzed when he finds Teddy smoking a joint on the back porch. "Hey," he says, voice rough from the haze of cigarette smoke in the house.

Teddy glances up at him, eyes a little glassy. "Hey yourself." He holds out the joint. "Want some?"

Jensen sits heavily beside him. "Yeah, okay." He doesn't like the feeling of being high very much, hates the dizzy way his head seems to float, but he doesn't have to smoke a lot.

Teddy smiles lazily at him. "S'good stuff."

Jensen laughs. "Man, you are _stoned_."

He shrugs. "Maybe." He takes another long drag and stares out across the yard. "Yankees' scout said they wanna draft me," he says as he breathes out. "Get me a good signing bonus and everything."

"Really? Shit man, that's awesome."

"Yeah."

"You gonna sign?"

"Thinkin' about it." Teddy looks down. "Joint's almost gone. Shot-gun it?"

Jensen blinks at him, a little startled. He's shot-gunned before, but that was with Sarah Watson after the homecoming dance, and this is Teddy, not his cheerleader sort-of girlfriend. "Sure," he hears himself say.

Teddy takes a final pull from the joint, keeps his mouth closed as he leans into Jensen, opening it just before pressing his lips to Jensen's. He lets his breath out in a sigh, pushing the air and smoke into Jensen's mouth. There's not much pot taste, it's mostly just Teddy's warm breath Jensen feels, and it's. It's.

To be honest, it feels pretty much like shot-gunning with Sarah Watson, and it's not until Jensen realizes he's licking between their lips a little that he remembers it's Teddy. Teddy, not Sarah Watson, and definitely not someone he should be trying to french kiss.

He pulls away quickly, stands so fast he nearly falls over. "I should. My parents are. Curfew," he says, tripping over his words like he's tripping over his feet in his rush to go. "See you on Monday, Teddy."

*

Teddy comes home at the end of the summer, his arm in a sling and his face a fading purple. Jensen sees him for the first time at one of the Rams' football games; he almost doesn't recognize Teddy behind the exhaustion in his eyes.

When Jensen asks what happened, Mrs. Dunn quickly says, "Oh, honey, he was mugged." The blank look on Teddy's face as she explains the story belies the fact that it was more than just a mugging. When Mrs. Dunn goes off to "freshen up," Jensen shifts closer to Teddy.

"So what's the real story behind your beautiful face?" he asks, pressing his leg along Teddy's.

Teddy presses back but doesn't look at him as he says, "I got mugged in Tampa; what is there to tell?"

"Bullshit. Tell me the truth."

Teddy looks at him sharply. "Leave it, Ackles." And then his face twists and he says softly, "I'll tell you later, okay?"

Jensen nods. "Okay," he answers, but the rest of the game they sit in stilted silence.

After the game ends, they tell Teddy's mom that a friend invited them over to hang out. She smiles and says not to stay out too late. The two of them hightail it to Mark Twain Park, where they sneak onto the baseball field.

They lie down in the outfield, in the shadow of the scoreboard, staring up at the starless sky. In the distance, Jensen can hear a siren wailing, while closer, a dog barks. Teddy's breathing is steady beside him.

"So what really happened?" Jensen asks when they've been lying there long enough for the dew to seep into his jeans.

"I met this guy, Luís, about three weeks after I got to Florida. He lived on the same floor of the apartment complex I was in. He was a pretty cool guy, and we hung out after games, you know? Anyway, one night we got pretty drunk, and he came on to me." Jensen feels Teddy shift beside him. "And well, we fooled around. Next thing I know, Luís and I have a pretty steady thing. Boyfriends, I guess, though we never laid it out like that. Really fuckin' awesome. I was playin' ball, gettin' laid, on top of the world."

Teddy stops talking, lies silent for so long Jensen thinks maybe he's fallen asleep. But then he lets out a shuddering laugh.

"Whole thing came crashing down a couple weeks ago. Luís and I kept it pretty low key - had to, 'cause of the baseball. Nobody ever says it outright, but you're not welcome if you're gay. Anyway, got back to my place one night, and Luís met me out in the parking lot, instead of on our hallway. Couple of guys from the team saw us." He stops again and turns his head to look straight at Jensen. "It was them, Jen. My own fucking teammates beat the hell outta me. And then the goddamn managers asked me not to come back because I 'couldn't get along with my teammates.' The fucking gall."

Teddy wipes his good hand at his eyes. "It's the end of my career, Jen. Nobody wants a faggot on the team, and you'd better believe word about _that_ travels the circuit."

They're both silent for a long time, staring up at nothing. Finally, Jensen ventures, "What about Luís?"

"He visited when I was in the hospital. Just to bring me a couple things I'd left at his place. Neither of us had any illusions of lasting beyond the summer anyway."

"Oh." Jensen moves a little closer to Teddy, lets their hands collide. "I missed you," he whispers. "Wanted to visit, but I had to work all summer - didn't get any time off, except a couple days here and there. Not enough to go to Florida."

"It's okay," Teddy whispers back. His hand slips into Jensen's, warm and callused from gripping a bat. "I missed you, too."

Jensen turns his head to see Teddy looking straight at him. It takes less than a second to close the distance between them.

 

2\. The CSU-Fullerton Titans, 1995

A ballplayer's got to be kept hungry to become a big-leaguer. That's why no boy from a rich family ever made the big leagues. --Joe DiMaggio

[OR: Wherein Jensen is offered a lot of money, and he comes out to his parents.]

He gets the call from the draft board when he's in Oklahoma with the rest of the Titan baseball team. The Cleveland Indians want him - drafted him in the second round.

"We'll be in touch after the Classic is over," says Mr. Singer, the Cleveland assistant GM. "Good luck on your games, kid."

"You sign that contract, you're signing your life away, Jen," Teddy warns him. "You can't go out with anyone, because somebody - a teammate, an opponent, a fan - will see you. You can't go to clubs or bars or pick up random fucks for the same reason. You'll have to go out with women just to cover any questions. It's pretty fucking miserable, but if your heart's set on ball, you don't have much choice."

 

3\. The Cleveland Indians, 1999

People ask what I do in winter when there's no baseball. I'll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring. --Rogers Hornsby

[OR: Wherein Jensen is getting ready to have his first full season as a Cleveland Indian, and he meets a fresh young pitcher named Jared.]

The Indians fast-track him through the system, and he breaks into the majors at the age of twenty-three, the week following the 1998 All-Star break. It's - well, it's really fucking weird at first. He doesn't play all that much - Sandy Alomar's first-string catcher, so Jensen only plays when Sandy's got the night off or he's DH-ing - but they're already talking him up, making it sound like he's God or Jesus or something. It's a little overwhelming, actually.

It also makes him that much more paranoid about, well, everything. At least in the minors he was relatively anonymous - when he needed to get laid, he could usually find someone willing even if it meant driving an hour away to a bigger city. Now, though, he's a high-profile player on a team gunning for the ALC title. If he gets caught sucking some guy's dick (or having his own sucked), a concussion will be the least of his worries.

So for six months, Jensen Ackles is essentially celibate. Essentially, because, you know, he has hands. And though women really do nothing for him, sometimes he goes out with Albie and Bartolo and he'll take a girl home. And when he goes home for the winter, well, Teddy Dunn runs his father's hardware store and lives in the apartment above it. He feels a little guilty about that, like he's using Teddy, abusing their relationship, but Teddy has never said anything about it. Besides, it's Richardson, Texas, so you have to take what you can get. And Teddy is the one who invited him to stay.

Winter is. It's good. He spends more time than is probably safe in the little apartment above Dunn Hardware, but he's steeling himself for another nine months of loneliness.

 

4\. The Cleveland Indians, 2001

Baseball is like a poker game. Nobody wants to quit when he's losing; nobody wants you to quit when you're ahead. --Jackie Robinson

[OR: Wherein Jensen plays in the All-Star game only to wrench his knee a month later, and this thing with Jared falls apart.]

"I hate this," Jared says when they're lying breathless in the dark.

"You what? Those are the sounds you make when you hate the sex? Fucking fuck, Jared, the hell am I supposed to know that?"

"No, you idiot," he says, giving Jensen a shove. I meant I've been thinking, and I hate this. I hate that we have to hide this, what we have, from everyone. Our teammates, the fans, hell, even our own families, all for what? So we don't sully the great name of baseball? As if the strike and the steroids haven't done that already? I say fuck them. Let's come out."

Jensen blinks at him. "What?" He wishes his voice didn't sound so strangled.

"Let's come out," Jared repeats, throwing his arms wide. "Make a big deal about it - sell the story to _Sports Illustrated_ , so they can't just write us off, pay out our contracts to keep it quiet. Whaddaya say?"

Jensen shakes his head mutely, and Jared sighs.

"I'm tired of hiding. Aren't you?"

"I'm going to take a shower," Jensen mumbles, slipping out of bed. He tries not to feel guilty for locking the bathroom door behind him.

He turns the water as hot as he can stand it and lets it run over him for a long time before he reaches for the soap. What Jared's asking - it's impossible. Sure, they'd be high-profile enough that the league couldn't just shut them down, but it would be the end of everything. They'd be split up for certain, and traded around year to year. Nobody wants the gay guy, especially when they know he's fucked a teammate.

He's yanked from his thoughts by a knock on the door. "Jensen? Are you - don't be mad at me, okay?"

He rinses off as quickly as he can and turns off the water. He imagines Jared's just on the other side of the door, probably still completely naked, whole body pressed into the door, listening for him.

"I'll be out in a minute, Jay." It's all that he's willing to give at the moment.

**Author's Note:**

> A little over five years ago, I wrote Glory Days for j2_everafter based on Angels in the Outfield. With the exception of two LotR fics I wrote in high school, Glory Days remains my longest fanfic to date. I had pages upon pages of notes for the fic, with timestamps and prompts and everything. I remain exceptionally proud of the 'verse I created, even though I don't even write for the fandom any more.
> 
> My Best Was Never Good Enough was going to be the prequel. The idea behind it was to tell Jensen's story through four baseball seasons, starting with his junior year of high school (where he first realizes that really, he's into dudes), and ending with the season in which he and Jared are a (deeply closeted) couple, he makes the All-Star team, and he blows out his knee (which happens in the prologue of Glory Days). It was going to be an examination of Jensen's relationship with the game and his own sexuality as well as a mostly-accurate portrayal of homophobia in baseball. I was really excited about it, but then I went to Egypt, I left the SPN fandom, and the story was never finished.
> 
> I hope you like the 2k I wrote of it; I'd love to hear your thoughts.


End file.
